Thursday, December 6, 2007
Post Egypt Update
I have something I have been wanting to post since I got back from Egypt. I plan to get it on this blog very soon and I hope that it will clarify how I am feeling about sobriety, struggle, and what success looks like. For now I wanted you all to know that I have returned from Egypt with sobriety in tact. I wrote of my concern about being faithful to my wife with my eyes while there but, as usual, I was wrong. It was a total non-issue. Not to say that Middle Eastern women aren't attractive because they most definitely are but I was able to keep my eyes off of them and my mind focused on other things. In the absence of such an all consuming addiction I have had such tremendous clarity of vision and perspective and purpose. Its really encouraging to see what God will do with me when I get out of the way and free my mind and heart up to focus and serve him. Thank you to all who prayed for me and my trip. I am glad to be back but I am intensely prayerful that in a culture of moral apathy and beligerent sexual openess that I will remain true to my quest. I look forward to posting more soon and hope that you will stay connected. We need each other.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Married White Pervert Seeks Total Sexual Dependence On Smokin' Hot Spouse -Entry 5 -October, 21 2007
It's been a while. Chalk up yet another missed opportunity to "busy-ness". We've been preparing our house for an unfriendly market, working more hours than there actually are in a week, I've been getting ready (which includes writing a sermon and four children's programs) to leave the country this week with my church, attending an Every Man's Battle accountability group in an effort to shake the dust off my feet and move towards purity, and raising two little boys soooo....maybe "busy-ness" is a factor. But, writing for this blog, seeking personal victory, and hoping that other struggling men might be helped have not been far from my mind.
As I said, I am getting ready to leave the country with a group from my church. I'm thrilled to have the chance and I'm excited to see what God is going to show me. I'm also terrified about what the Devil is going to show me. In general I have done pretty well the past couple of weeks since I posted last. I have had an overall attitude of hopefulness and determination and I have enjoyed several victories. But, and I will always be honest here, I failed in a couple of big ways too. As I prepare to be away from my wife for ten days and I am beginning to rely more upon her sexually my concern is that the loneliness, the distance, and the Devil's willingness to present opportunities to sin will cause me to stumble. I know better than to "worry" about it because then it always seems to turn into a self-fulfilling-prophecy but its a concern.
The biggest reason to not be fearful is that my accountability partner will be there keeping me in check. I look forward to the day when I look to my wife to satisfy every sexual desire but until then and especially for the next two weeks please pray that I will keep my eyes off of other women and my head out of my posterior. I am so grateful to all of you who have read this blog and have posted comments. I have said it so many times its become a mantra but in the light of open confession between brothers not darkness can exist. We need each other and we need to be open with each other or we will lose a generation to the cancer of mediocrity and spiritual laziness. The women around us deserve men brave enough to be vulnerable who will heal and will prevail and will protect them and their purity. I look forward to writing more when I return. I'm sure I will have piles of fresh material to pull from. Pray for me and let me know how I can pray for you.
As I said, I am getting ready to leave the country with a group from my church. I'm thrilled to have the chance and I'm excited to see what God is going to show me. I'm also terrified about what the Devil is going to show me. In general I have done pretty well the past couple of weeks since I posted last. I have had an overall attitude of hopefulness and determination and I have enjoyed several victories. But, and I will always be honest here, I failed in a couple of big ways too. As I prepare to be away from my wife for ten days and I am beginning to rely more upon her sexually my concern is that the loneliness, the distance, and the Devil's willingness to present opportunities to sin will cause me to stumble. I know better than to "worry" about it because then it always seems to turn into a self-fulfilling-prophecy but its a concern.
The biggest reason to not be fearful is that my accountability partner will be there keeping me in check. I look forward to the day when I look to my wife to satisfy every sexual desire but until then and especially for the next two weeks please pray that I will keep my eyes off of other women and my head out of my posterior. I am so grateful to all of you who have read this blog and have posted comments. I have said it so many times its become a mantra but in the light of open confession between brothers not darkness can exist. We need each other and we need to be open with each other or we will lose a generation to the cancer of mediocrity and spiritual laziness. The women around us deserve men brave enough to be vulnerable who will heal and will prevail and will protect them and their purity. I look forward to writing more when I return. I'm sure I will have piles of fresh material to pull from. Pray for me and let me know how I can pray for you.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
I shall fear no evil - Entry 4 - September 26, 2007
There is a house set back a hundred yards or so from the road that takes you to my mother's house. Its an old house that looks like so many of the houses from the late 1800's-early 1900's that you see scattered around Georgia. There's the obligatory rusted tin roof laid thinly atop gray cracked boards. There's the door frame, long without a door, situated in between a four paned window on either side. Out front there is the small porch where corn was once shucked and peas were once snapped. The portion of roof overhanging the porch is supported shakily by two posts that are bent like the knees of the old folks who died and left the house to die as well. Its a true southern relic but to be honest I haven't seen it look like I just described it in almost three years. That's because in no more than one summer it was overtaken and completely hidden by kudzu. The spring before the kudzu claimed its latest I kept meaning to pull over to the side of the road and snap a couple of black and whites of it. That same fall there was nothing to snap but an ocean of green with a house shaped mass in the middle of it.
I don't know if you've ever been in one of those abandoned houses but you wouldn't describe them as warm and cozy. Most of them are downright creepy. The first time I noticed that the old house near my mom was no longer visible I immediately thought about how much more frightening it would be to get into that house and even in the brightest part of the day not be able to see a thing without a flashlight. The creaking boards, the musty smells, the unidentifiable noises would probably send you packing pretty quickly and justifiably so. And yet this is exactly the kind of darkness I live in.
When I sat down with a Psychologist recently I told her that I'd been having trouble with fear. I understated how big the problem was because I didn't want her to lock me away that very moment. But the truth is that over the past few years I have developed an irrational apprehension about almost everything. To help you understand it I'll give you an example. Recently when I came home after being gone for two days I found all the windows in the house open. Most people would have said something like, "Man, somebody could have broken in here," and then moved on without giving it a second thought. My reaction was to assume that every creak and thump I heard that night was someone hiding somewhere in the house waiting to do horrible things to me and the boys. I know those kinds of things can happen and sometimes they do but what is the likelihood that its going to happen to me? I don't personally know any statisticians but I would think if I did they would say I was more likely to spontaneously change species while eating a hamburger than be brutalized by a nut job.
Up until early last year I used to watch a lot of horror films and I really enjoyed them. Movies like The Ring or The Grudge or The Shining or Night of the Living Dead (the original of course which is the scariest movie of all time) were too outrageous to ever actually happen and so, I thought, they were safe to watch. But adult models on the internet weren't likely to ever sleep with me either and yet somewhere in my addiction (i.e. my fantasy life) I began to believe that even it they weren't it seemed like they were. And so as my addiction to the fantasy grew my ability to distinguish between possible and impossible began to weaken. Mostly my fear was nothing more than what doctors call an Anxiety Disorder which basically means that you worry about everything. I would hear a report on the news about a child who died after his parent unknowingly left them in a hot car all day and it would stick with me and I would become more careful to the point of being irrationally obsessive. Not exactly nuts but not a very fun way to live either.
And then my son got really sick at two weeks old and almost died last November. Something totally "outrageous" that only happened to other people happened to me and it became a little harder for me to say, "nobody is going to kidnap my kids or kill my family," or, "the house isn't going to burn down and kill everyone in it except me". Anything horrible that could happen to me became something I worried would happen to me. To make matters so much worse, and this is the first time I've publicly talked about it, something did happen that almost pushed me right over the edge. The weeks preceding Memorial Day I was doing really well spiritually and I was finally starting to recover from almost losing my son. I had developed a relationship with a guy who produced a very progressive Christian Podcast and he had agreed to promote my blog on his website. The blog was going to be a place where people who had either been burned by the church or who had done a little of the burning themselves could heal. My wife was at work and the boys were in bed and so I sat down in the quietness to write the first post. The title of the blog was The Burn Unit and as I was downloading a picture of a burned down church I noticed something in the corner of my eye. I instinctively turned and to my horror saw that the front porch of my neighbors house was engulfed in flames. The thing I remember the most about those first moments is that the fire looked manageable except that the bushes which went up with a literal poof seemed like they could be an accelerator. There was something beautiful and gut wrenching about the whole tableau. In the time it took to grab my cell phone, dial 911, and run down the stairs to my front door the entire front of the house had become a forty foot wall of raging fire.
Because it was 11:30 on a school night I assumed that everyone was in bed. This only added to the chaos of the situation because the 11 year old daughter's bedroom was located directly above the porch. I immediately ran out of my front door towards the house screaming to the 911 operator that "I'm sure she's in there". I don't know if any of you have ever witnessed a house fire that claimed the entire house but there are certain sounds. Gas can's exploding, wood crackling, and several different noise all of which sound like screaming children. As I stared at the room above the porch and I heard just such a scream I went white and stopped dead in my tracks. I had always hoped that in a situation like this I would be heroic but as I desperately searched the house for any way in I realized that I could not be that hero. I stood there and watched what I thought was the demise of my neighbors and I felt like I was falling fast through layer after layer of the earth's crust towards the molten center. The 911 operator kept assuring me that I needed to stay at my house with my kids, which was true because sparks were falling on mine and my neighbors roof's and it was really really dry this year and windy that night. I slowly slipped back behind my front door and coward there for several minutes until I saw three people walk around from behind the house. It was the family and my feeling of helplessness turned first to relief and then quickly to shame. "I should have at least tried to help them," I kept telling my wife who agreed with the emergency operator that nothing could have been done. I didn't sleep that night. I didn't sleep much or well for the next few nights.
In the midst of the melodrama we decided to spend Memorial Day weekend in south Georgia camping. It seemed like a good idea to spend the weekend away but our first night camping I heard voices all night and became irrationally afraid of people wanting to slice our tent open and kill all of us. As if sinking into paranoia weren't a big enough drag we woke the next morning to find the entire inside of our tent covered with millions of ants. The baby and our two year old had a couple of bites on their legs and feet but it could have been so much worse and in my mind it was. I couldn't tell the difference anymore. We stayed with my mom for a few days after that. Everyone kept telling me, "well, at least no one was killed in the fire," to which I replied, "well, for ten minutes I believed they were so how do I process that". No one had any quick fixes so I turned to porn.
I am telling you this ridiculously long story for one reason and here it is: even in my crazed state I noticed that the more I looked at porn the more detached from reality and terrified to be alone I became. I asked my wife why some people could look at that situation and be happy that their neighbors escaped with their lives but I looked at the situation and all I could think about was how close they came to not getting out. Again, there were no answers and no quick fixes and again I turned to porn. I was starting to realize that something in me was broken. That's when I went and saw the Phsycologist. She told me that although viewing porn seemed like a harmless activity where no one got hurt it was fueling the fires of my phobias by blurring the lines between fantasy and reality.
Like I said in my last post I am feeling better. It is truly amazing that for every day I am sober I feel that much less afraid. I would never have come to the realization that my addiction was feeding my fear without that Phsycologist. Which further confirms that honestly exposing the darkness within us to those around us will bring healing. The claws of my fear may have been dulled but they are harp enough to still do great harm. I find comfort and courage in speaking the words from 1 John 4:4, "greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world" into the darkness. I know this post has been painfully long and I'm not sure how many people will be able to muddle through to the end but its been helpful for me to write it out like this. I still don't have all the answers or any quick fixes but this time I am not turning to porn. I am turning to you my brothers and sisters in Christ and as consequently I think I am turning a corner. As always, thank you for reading this and I hope you are encouraged and emboldened. Pray for me and please let me know how I can pray for you.
I don't know if you've ever been in one of those abandoned houses but you wouldn't describe them as warm and cozy. Most of them are downright creepy. The first time I noticed that the old house near my mom was no longer visible I immediately thought about how much more frightening it would be to get into that house and even in the brightest part of the day not be able to see a thing without a flashlight. The creaking boards, the musty smells, the unidentifiable noises would probably send you packing pretty quickly and justifiably so. And yet this is exactly the kind of darkness I live in.
When I sat down with a Psychologist recently I told her that I'd been having trouble with fear. I understated how big the problem was because I didn't want her to lock me away that very moment. But the truth is that over the past few years I have developed an irrational apprehension about almost everything. To help you understand it I'll give you an example. Recently when I came home after being gone for two days I found all the windows in the house open. Most people would have said something like, "Man, somebody could have broken in here," and then moved on without giving it a second thought. My reaction was to assume that every creak and thump I heard that night was someone hiding somewhere in the house waiting to do horrible things to me and the boys. I know those kinds of things can happen and sometimes they do but what is the likelihood that its going to happen to me? I don't personally know any statisticians but I would think if I did they would say I was more likely to spontaneously change species while eating a hamburger than be brutalized by a nut job.
Up until early last year I used to watch a lot of horror films and I really enjoyed them. Movies like The Ring or The Grudge or The Shining or Night of the Living Dead (the original of course which is the scariest movie of all time) were too outrageous to ever actually happen and so, I thought, they were safe to watch. But adult models on the internet weren't likely to ever sleep with me either and yet somewhere in my addiction (i.e. my fantasy life) I began to believe that even it they weren't it seemed like they were. And so as my addiction to the fantasy grew my ability to distinguish between possible and impossible began to weaken. Mostly my fear was nothing more than what doctors call an Anxiety Disorder which basically means that you worry about everything. I would hear a report on the news about a child who died after his parent unknowingly left them in a hot car all day and it would stick with me and I would become more careful to the point of being irrationally obsessive. Not exactly nuts but not a very fun way to live either.
And then my son got really sick at two weeks old and almost died last November. Something totally "outrageous" that only happened to other people happened to me and it became a little harder for me to say, "nobody is going to kidnap my kids or kill my family," or, "the house isn't going to burn down and kill everyone in it except me". Anything horrible that could happen to me became something I worried would happen to me. To make matters so much worse, and this is the first time I've publicly talked about it, something did happen that almost pushed me right over the edge. The weeks preceding Memorial Day I was doing really well spiritually and I was finally starting to recover from almost losing my son. I had developed a relationship with a guy who produced a very progressive Christian Podcast and he had agreed to promote my blog on his website. The blog was going to be a place where people who had either been burned by the church or who had done a little of the burning themselves could heal. My wife was at work and the boys were in bed and so I sat down in the quietness to write the first post. The title of the blog was The Burn Unit and as I was downloading a picture of a burned down church I noticed something in the corner of my eye. I instinctively turned and to my horror saw that the front porch of my neighbors house was engulfed in flames. The thing I remember the most about those first moments is that the fire looked manageable except that the bushes which went up with a literal poof seemed like they could be an accelerator. There was something beautiful and gut wrenching about the whole tableau. In the time it took to grab my cell phone, dial 911, and run down the stairs to my front door the entire front of the house had become a forty foot wall of raging fire.
Because it was 11:30 on a school night I assumed that everyone was in bed. This only added to the chaos of the situation because the 11 year old daughter's bedroom was located directly above the porch. I immediately ran out of my front door towards the house screaming to the 911 operator that "I'm sure she's in there". I don't know if any of you have ever witnessed a house fire that claimed the entire house but there are certain sounds. Gas can's exploding, wood crackling, and several different noise all of which sound like screaming children. As I stared at the room above the porch and I heard just such a scream I went white and stopped dead in my tracks. I had always hoped that in a situation like this I would be heroic but as I desperately searched the house for any way in I realized that I could not be that hero. I stood there and watched what I thought was the demise of my neighbors and I felt like I was falling fast through layer after layer of the earth's crust towards the molten center. The 911 operator kept assuring me that I needed to stay at my house with my kids, which was true because sparks were falling on mine and my neighbors roof's and it was really really dry this year and windy that night. I slowly slipped back behind my front door and coward there for several minutes until I saw three people walk around from behind the house. It was the family and my feeling of helplessness turned first to relief and then quickly to shame. "I should have at least tried to help them," I kept telling my wife who agreed with the emergency operator that nothing could have been done. I didn't sleep that night. I didn't sleep much or well for the next few nights.
In the midst of the melodrama we decided to spend Memorial Day weekend in south Georgia camping. It seemed like a good idea to spend the weekend away but our first night camping I heard voices all night and became irrationally afraid of people wanting to slice our tent open and kill all of us. As if sinking into paranoia weren't a big enough drag we woke the next morning to find the entire inside of our tent covered with millions of ants. The baby and our two year old had a couple of bites on their legs and feet but it could have been so much worse and in my mind it was. I couldn't tell the difference anymore. We stayed with my mom for a few days after that. Everyone kept telling me, "well, at least no one was killed in the fire," to which I replied, "well, for ten minutes I believed they were so how do I process that". No one had any quick fixes so I turned to porn.
I am telling you this ridiculously long story for one reason and here it is: even in my crazed state I noticed that the more I looked at porn the more detached from reality and terrified to be alone I became. I asked my wife why some people could look at that situation and be happy that their neighbors escaped with their lives but I looked at the situation and all I could think about was how close they came to not getting out. Again, there were no answers and no quick fixes and again I turned to porn. I was starting to realize that something in me was broken. That's when I went and saw the Phsycologist. She told me that although viewing porn seemed like a harmless activity where no one got hurt it was fueling the fires of my phobias by blurring the lines between fantasy and reality.
Like I said in my last post I am feeling better. It is truly amazing that for every day I am sober I feel that much less afraid. I would never have come to the realization that my addiction was feeding my fear without that Phsycologist. Which further confirms that honestly exposing the darkness within us to those around us will bring healing. The claws of my fear may have been dulled but they are harp enough to still do great harm. I find comfort and courage in speaking the words from 1 John 4:4, "greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world" into the darkness. I know this post has been painfully long and I'm not sure how many people will be able to muddle through to the end but its been helpful for me to write it out like this. I still don't have all the answers or any quick fixes but this time I am not turning to porn. I am turning to you my brothers and sisters in Christ and as consequently I think I am turning a corner. As always, thank you for reading this and I hope you are encouraged and emboldened. Pray for me and please let me know how I can pray for you.
Clarity - Entry 3 - September 22, 2007
I was speaking with my accountability partner about this blog and he said it would probably help people to know specifically what type of sexual addiction I am wrestling with. If nothing else it keeps the unfamiliar reader from thinking I'm diddling sheep or sleeping with the neighbors wife. I attended a group called Celebrate Recovery which came out of Rick Warren's (Purpose Driven Life) church and I was told that getting into specifics could accidentally arouse curiosity or cause another addict to struggle. Could be true so just to be safe I won't give any web addresses or adult model's names even though I really don't think people need my help to get aroused.
I've had people tell me that my addiction was of the mild variety and I shouldn't worry about it. I strongly disagree. It may not be as "bad" as others but the effects are the same as everyone's. I am not into hardcore, group, bestial, gay (guy on guy), S & M, etc. though I can see how people would end up there if they really gave themselves over to their addiction. My particular appetite is for one girl or maybe two but nothing distasteful. I think its because "real" women in "real" sexual scenarios don't "really" perform any of those acts and definitely not without awkwardness or embarrassment and definitely not willingly with me or any of the guys I know. It takes away from the fantasy that this is a "real" woman who "really" would have a "real" sexual relationship with me. Of course, as former adult film star Shelley Lubben stated, most of those women hate men and delight in the fact that they are manipulating us for money.
When I was in New York a couple of years ago I walked passed a "model" whose website I had frequented a lot and when she saw that I recognized her she did not react by shagging me silly right there in front of the Chrysler Building. She seemed really perturbed and she looked at me like I was a pervert. And that's the truth of the whole thing; I really am a pervert and if there was no such outlet as "porn" and I offered some woman in, lets say the supermarket, money in exchange for a peek under her blouse she would be horribly offended and look at me the same way. "Real" women don't want to be objectified and they would be shocked and embarrassed if they knew some guy was sitting at home jerking off while looking at her picture. I'm getting off on a tangent here but my point is that its all fantasy for me. I know real women wouldn't offer themselves up and when I was the kind of guy to pursue those quick and attachment-free relationships they were really hard to find.
Women have never thrown themselves at me (most women are heavy and you could get seriously bruise something if they did ; -) and so I felt crappy about myself. But women on the internet were always available and they always seemed eager to be with me. They never snubbed me or asked what I did for a living or chose some other guy over me or made me take them out to dinner several times just to get to first base. They never rejected me in any way. With a smile they freely gave themselves to me and hour after hour I would look at girl after girl (I figure on a really bad night I probably saw close to 400 women in as little as 4 hours) until I found the "one" who smiled just the right way or whose hair fell just the right way across her face or whatever and I would take care of business. I always felt like a sick freak immediately afterwards and would always pray for forgiveness and even sometimes in anger demand that God explain to me why He had not "healed" me yet. But, a few weeks, days, hours, or minutes later I would be right back at the same well drinking water that just left me increasingly more thirsty.
Another byproduct of taking the easy way out with porn is the huge chasm that begins to stretch further and further between you and your spouse. When my wife and I started dating she was "it" for me and no-one else on earth could satisfy me the way she did physically and emotionally. Unfortunately over time we began to realize how different we were and sparks of conflict grew where those differences would meet. You then add job stress, housing stress, bill stress, "where do you want to eat after church? Oh I don't care you decide," stress, and two kids stress intimacy, which requires tons of vulnerability, whithers down to near nothing. It doesn't help matters when every time your wife isn't "in the mood" or you're fighting or she's not around very much you turn to porn. In my case, and I know this isn't true of most guys, I decided to bring my wife in on my addiction thinking that it would help if she knew and held me accountable. My wife was shattered when I told her and somehow didn't find any comfort in the analogy, "my addiction to porn is no different than your addiction to cigarettes". She had a really hard time trusting me after that.
A few weeks ago I was binging again and I forgot to delete my web history afterwards. Actually I got a new computer and I wasn't sure how to (divine providence I think) so I just hoped that my wife wouldn't go looking. She had asked me on a couple of different occasions how I was doing with my problem as I had asked her to do and I lied and said, "Fine". I didn't realize that what she was doing was looking at my web activity, seeing the porn, and then giving me the chance to fess up. I didn't want to hurt her anymore and really I had given up on getting better and just wanted to be left to wallow in it and so I lied hoping she would drop it. If anyone is reading this and is thinking about letting their wives in on their addiction hear this: lying to my wife about my addiction hurt my wife in deeper and more profound ways than my telling her about it ever did.
So, that's where I am now. I'm earning my wife's trust back gradually. It killed me that I hurt her so badly when she hadn't given up on me and was just trying to help. It pumped new blood into that old wound and I felt more motivated then I had in ages to really try to stop. I can tell you that downloading the X3watch software, being completely honest with my wife and my accountability partner, and starting this online journal has really helped. I feel like I'm detoxing. The impurities are pouring out of me and I'll give you definitive evidence to support it. Today my wife and boys and I were looking at the dogs up for adoption at Petsmart and a large chested woman walked by. My first reaction was to look and begin the process of "uploading" the image to my database but just as quickly I turned away and made a point of looking at my wife. The most encouraging part was how easy it was compared to before. I know I have a long road to travel and its way too early to say I'm better but I feel better about myself and my marriage and I feel like I am taking positive steps towards a hollistic wellness. Thank you for reading this and I pray that we can help each other.
P.S. I am starting a men's group centered around the Every Man's Battle book next Sunday. Its going to be several guys from within the church who are boldly and humbly seeking help. Thank God for this and His timing. Its no coincidence that my wife busted me, Shelley Lubben spoke at our church, the x3software became available, and now this mens group is starting up. The darkness of addiction cannot live in the light of openess. God might be grieved by the sin of His sons but I think He rejoices even more when we love and serve each other through being real.
I've had people tell me that my addiction was of the mild variety and I shouldn't worry about it. I strongly disagree. It may not be as "bad" as others but the effects are the same as everyone's. I am not into hardcore, group, bestial, gay (guy on guy), S & M, etc. though I can see how people would end up there if they really gave themselves over to their addiction. My particular appetite is for one girl or maybe two but nothing distasteful. I think its because "real" women in "real" sexual scenarios don't "really" perform any of those acts and definitely not without awkwardness or embarrassment and definitely not willingly with me or any of the guys I know. It takes away from the fantasy that this is a "real" woman who "really" would have a "real" sexual relationship with me. Of course, as former adult film star Shelley Lubben stated, most of those women hate men and delight in the fact that they are manipulating us for money.
When I was in New York a couple of years ago I walked passed a "model" whose website I had frequented a lot and when she saw that I recognized her she did not react by shagging me silly right there in front of the Chrysler Building. She seemed really perturbed and she looked at me like I was a pervert. And that's the truth of the whole thing; I really am a pervert and if there was no such outlet as "porn" and I offered some woman in, lets say the supermarket, money in exchange for a peek under her blouse she would be horribly offended and look at me the same way. "Real" women don't want to be objectified and they would be shocked and embarrassed if they knew some guy was sitting at home jerking off while looking at her picture. I'm getting off on a tangent here but my point is that its all fantasy for me. I know real women wouldn't offer themselves up and when I was the kind of guy to pursue those quick and attachment-free relationships they were really hard to find.
Women have never thrown themselves at me (most women are heavy and you could get seriously bruise something if they did ; -) and so I felt crappy about myself. But women on the internet were always available and they always seemed eager to be with me. They never snubbed me or asked what I did for a living or chose some other guy over me or made me take them out to dinner several times just to get to first base. They never rejected me in any way. With a smile they freely gave themselves to me and hour after hour I would look at girl after girl (I figure on a really bad night I probably saw close to 400 women in as little as 4 hours) until I found the "one" who smiled just the right way or whose hair fell just the right way across her face or whatever and I would take care of business. I always felt like a sick freak immediately afterwards and would always pray for forgiveness and even sometimes in anger demand that God explain to me why He had not "healed" me yet. But, a few weeks, days, hours, or minutes later I would be right back at the same well drinking water that just left me increasingly more thirsty.
Another byproduct of taking the easy way out with porn is the huge chasm that begins to stretch further and further between you and your spouse. When my wife and I started dating she was "it" for me and no-one else on earth could satisfy me the way she did physically and emotionally. Unfortunately over time we began to realize how different we were and sparks of conflict grew where those differences would meet. You then add job stress, housing stress, bill stress, "where do you want to eat after church? Oh I don't care you decide," stress, and two kids stress intimacy, which requires tons of vulnerability, whithers down to near nothing. It doesn't help matters when every time your wife isn't "in the mood" or you're fighting or she's not around very much you turn to porn. In my case, and I know this isn't true of most guys, I decided to bring my wife in on my addiction thinking that it would help if she knew and held me accountable. My wife was shattered when I told her and somehow didn't find any comfort in the analogy, "my addiction to porn is no different than your addiction to cigarettes". She had a really hard time trusting me after that.
A few weeks ago I was binging again and I forgot to delete my web history afterwards. Actually I got a new computer and I wasn't sure how to (divine providence I think) so I just hoped that my wife wouldn't go looking. She had asked me on a couple of different occasions how I was doing with my problem as I had asked her to do and I lied and said, "Fine". I didn't realize that what she was doing was looking at my web activity, seeing the porn, and then giving me the chance to fess up. I didn't want to hurt her anymore and really I had given up on getting better and just wanted to be left to wallow in it and so I lied hoping she would drop it. If anyone is reading this and is thinking about letting their wives in on their addiction hear this: lying to my wife about my addiction hurt my wife in deeper and more profound ways than my telling her about it ever did.
So, that's where I am now. I'm earning my wife's trust back gradually. It killed me that I hurt her so badly when she hadn't given up on me and was just trying to help. It pumped new blood into that old wound and I felt more motivated then I had in ages to really try to stop. I can tell you that downloading the X3watch software, being completely honest with my wife and my accountability partner, and starting this online journal has really helped. I feel like I'm detoxing. The impurities are pouring out of me and I'll give you definitive evidence to support it. Today my wife and boys and I were looking at the dogs up for adoption at Petsmart and a large chested woman walked by. My first reaction was to look and begin the process of "uploading" the image to my database but just as quickly I turned away and made a point of looking at my wife. The most encouraging part was how easy it was compared to before. I know I have a long road to travel and its way too early to say I'm better but I feel better about myself and my marriage and I feel like I am taking positive steps towards a hollistic wellness. Thank you for reading this and I pray that we can help each other.
P.S. I am starting a men's group centered around the Every Man's Battle book next Sunday. Its going to be several guys from within the church who are boldly and humbly seeking help. Thank God for this and His timing. Its no coincidence that my wife busted me, Shelley Lubben spoke at our church, the x3software became available, and now this mens group is starting up. The darkness of addiction cannot live in the light of openess. God might be grieved by the sin of His sons but I think He rejoices even more when we love and serve each other through being real.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Tiny victories really big war - Entry 2 - Sept 20, 2007
I've been almost two weeks sober. I wish I felt better about it and I probably would if it weren't for all the other stressers in my life right now. I think its mostly that I don't want to get my hopes up again and be disappointed. I'm 32 years old now and I've let myself down so many times at this point its getting hard to find the inertia necessary to go after wellness...or anything for that matter. Sorry if this is bleak. I've been really depressed for a while now. I managed to gather up enough money a few months ago to have my head shrunk. The Dr. told me that all of the depression and paranoia (a whole other blog post) stemmed from my addiction. I have fabricated this fantasy world that no-one else could know even if I explained it and so consequently have lost a large part of my grasp on reality. In other words, my addiction is like a cancerous tumor that effects everything systemically. So, if I could remove the tumor I would begin to see other area's improve.
I watched a documentary a few weeks ago called Crazy Sexy Cancer that chronicled a woman's struggle with "incurable" cancer. She decided to bypass the traditional radiation/chemotherapy route and try to treat herself holistically. She went on a totally raw diet and began to do yoga everyday. Instead of taking her diagnosis lying down like I have until now (self diagnoses are dangerous by the way) she took on not only her cancer but her entire lifestyle. Incrediblly, the documentary concludes with her Doctor telling her that she was going to live and live very well. It might seem like a stretch but I believe that my doctor was on to something when she suggested the same line of attack. I'm embarrassed to admit that I haven't stuck to her regimine i.e. attending Sexaholics Anonymous and staying in therapy but she did plant a seed of hope albeit in a sun starved place. Who knows if this will be the "time" that I get better but I think if I take it on in totality I stand a much better chance. Please pray for me and thank you for reading this. I hope that you are encouraged.
I watched a documentary a few weeks ago called Crazy Sexy Cancer that chronicled a woman's struggle with "incurable" cancer. She decided to bypass the traditional radiation/chemotherapy route and try to treat herself holistically. She went on a totally raw diet and began to do yoga everyday. Instead of taking her diagnosis lying down like I have until now (self diagnoses are dangerous by the way) she took on not only her cancer but her entire lifestyle. Incrediblly, the documentary concludes with her Doctor telling her that she was going to live and live very well. It might seem like a stretch but I believe that my doctor was on to something when she suggested the same line of attack. I'm embarrassed to admit that I haven't stuck to her regimine i.e. attending Sexaholics Anonymous and staying in therapy but she did plant a seed of hope albeit in a sun starved place. Who knows if this will be the "time" that I get better but I think if I take it on in totality I stand a much better chance. Please pray for me and thank you for reading this. I hope that you are encouraged.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
"God Saves" - entry 1 - sept. 18, 2007
In this blog I will be chronicling my battle against sexual addiction. I hope to consistently use it as a journal as part of my own process and I hope that others will be helped as well. I will go into more detail about my addiction as time passes but for today I want to start on a positive note. I was wrestling with different titles for my blog and nothing was presenting itself. My wife's Bible was on the table next to me so I opened it (the first time in three or four months). It opened to Psalm 107. Psalm 107 is a long one and I don't feel like typing until night fall so I'll just give you an excerpt. I do suggest that you read the whole thing though. Its really amazing. Psalm 107: 10-22 (Message) "Some of you were locked in a dark cell, cruelly confined behind bars, punished for defying God's Word, for turning your back on the High God's counsel. A hard sentence, and your hearts so heavy, and not a soul in sight to help. Then you called out to God in your desperate condition; he got you outt in the nick of time. He led you out of your dark, dark cell, broke open the jail and led you out. So thank God for his marvelous love, for his miracle mercy to the children he loves; He shattered the heavy jailhouse doors, he snapped the prison bars like matchsticks! Some of you were sick because you'd lived a bad life, your bodies feeling the effects of your sin; you couldn't stand the sight of food, so miserable you though you'd be better off dead. Then you called out to God in your desperate condition; He got you out in the nick of time. He spoke the word that healed you, that pulled you back from the brink of death. So thank God for his marvelous love, for his miracle mercy to the children he loves; offfer thanksgiving sacrifices, tell the world what he's done - SING OUT!!!"
I can identify with these words so profoundly in ways that you'll learn only if you check back often. I got to thinking about the Israelites in the Wilderness of Paran. Moses sent out scouts to assess the situation in Canaan (the promised land). As I read through that story I was struck by how negative and prone to reject hope the Israelites had become while wandering in the darkness for so long. It took a scout named Joshua whose name means "God Saves" to turn things around and eventually be the one to lead the people out of their own captivity. Such great hope the Bible has to offer. Why do I turn from it so often and rely on my own stupid counsel?
I told Josalyne last week that I had given up all hope of ever recovering from my sexual addiction. I really believed it and I fell deeper down the hole than I had ever been. Friday Jos and I dug deep into the issue and cried and yelled and wrestled and raged and I left that conversation feeling that I would end up exactly like my alcoholic grandfather. A sort of manifest destiny/self-fulfilling prophecy kind of thing I guess. Two days later a former porn star named Shelley Lubben came and spoke at our church. She told us how she had been molested and kicked out of the home that had never shown her any love. She tried to fill that emptiness with sex and drugs and ended up a porn star. A pastors son (further irony) who was addicted to speed (even further irony though that was over ten years ago) showed compassion and love to her for the first time and she came out of that lifestyle after several more years of struggle. I'm way over paraphrasing here but the point was that she was in a much darker place than I was and she got out. I once again allowed myself to feel a little hope. I downloaded some software that emails my accountability partner and my wife anytime I visit a questionable website and I'm keeping this online recovery journal so I am hoping and praying that that small sliver of light will eventually pour all the way in and I can look back and say, "this weekend in 2007 was the last time I gave in to temptation". I have no idea who will read this if anyone but for those who do I hope that we can help each other. I need the help and I need the openess (addiction cannot exist or thrive in the light of honesty and vulnerability) with other people. Thanks for reading this.
I can identify with these words so profoundly in ways that you'll learn only if you check back often. I got to thinking about the Israelites in the Wilderness of Paran. Moses sent out scouts to assess the situation in Canaan (the promised land). As I read through that story I was struck by how negative and prone to reject hope the Israelites had become while wandering in the darkness for so long. It took a scout named Joshua whose name means "God Saves" to turn things around and eventually be the one to lead the people out of their own captivity. Such great hope the Bible has to offer. Why do I turn from it so often and rely on my own stupid counsel?
I told Josalyne last week that I had given up all hope of ever recovering from my sexual addiction. I really believed it and I fell deeper down the hole than I had ever been. Friday Jos and I dug deep into the issue and cried and yelled and wrestled and raged and I left that conversation feeling that I would end up exactly like my alcoholic grandfather. A sort of manifest destiny/self-fulfilling prophecy kind of thing I guess. Two days later a former porn star named Shelley Lubben came and spoke at our church. She told us how she had been molested and kicked out of the home that had never shown her any love. She tried to fill that emptiness with sex and drugs and ended up a porn star. A pastors son (further irony) who was addicted to speed (even further irony though that was over ten years ago) showed compassion and love to her for the first time and she came out of that lifestyle after several more years of struggle. I'm way over paraphrasing here but the point was that she was in a much darker place than I was and she got out. I once again allowed myself to feel a little hope. I downloaded some software that emails my accountability partner and my wife anytime I visit a questionable website and I'm keeping this online recovery journal so I am hoping and praying that that small sliver of light will eventually pour all the way in and I can look back and say, "this weekend in 2007 was the last time I gave in to temptation". I have no idea who will read this if anyone but for those who do I hope that we can help each other. I need the help and I need the openess (addiction cannot exist or thrive in the light of honesty and vulnerability) with other people. Thanks for reading this.
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