In this blog I will be chronicling my battle against sexual addiction. I hope to consistently use it as a journal as part of my own process and I hope that others will be helped as well. I will go into more detail about my addiction as time passes but for today I want to start on a positive note. I was wrestling with different titles for my blog and nothing was presenting itself. My wife's Bible was on the table next to me so I opened it (the first time in three or four months). It opened to Psalm 107. Psalm 107 is a long one and I don't feel like typing until night fall so I'll just give you an excerpt. I do suggest that you read the whole thing though. Its really amazing. Psalm 107: 10-22 (Message) "Some of you were locked in a dark cell, cruelly confined behind bars, punished for defying God's Word, for turning your back on the High God's counsel. A hard sentence, and your hearts so heavy, and not a soul in sight to help. Then you called out to God in your desperate condition; he got you outt in the nick of time. He led you out of your dark, dark cell, broke open the jail and led you out. So thank God for his marvelous love, for his miracle mercy to the children he loves; He shattered the heavy jailhouse doors, he snapped the prison bars like matchsticks! Some of you were sick because you'd lived a bad life, your bodies feeling the effects of your sin; you couldn't stand the sight of food, so miserable you though you'd be better off dead. Then you called out to God in your desperate condition; He got you out in the nick of time. He spoke the word that healed you, that pulled you back from the brink of death. So thank God for his marvelous love, for his miracle mercy to the children he loves; offfer thanksgiving sacrifices, tell the world what he's done - SING OUT!!!"
I can identify with these words so profoundly in ways that you'll learn only if you check back often. I got to thinking about the Israelites in the Wilderness of Paran. Moses sent out scouts to assess the situation in Canaan (the promised land). As I read through that story I was struck by how negative and prone to reject hope the Israelites had become while wandering in the darkness for so long. It took a scout named Joshua whose name means "God Saves" to turn things around and eventually be the one to lead the people out of their own captivity. Such great hope the Bible has to offer. Why do I turn from it so often and rely on my own stupid counsel?
I told Josalyne last week that I had given up all hope of ever recovering from my sexual addiction. I really believed it and I fell deeper down the hole than I had ever been. Friday Jos and I dug deep into the issue and cried and yelled and wrestled and raged and I left that conversation feeling that I would end up exactly like my alcoholic grandfather. A sort of manifest destiny/self-fulfilling prophecy kind of thing I guess. Two days later a former porn star named Shelley Lubben came and spoke at our church. She told us how she had been molested and kicked out of the home that had never shown her any love. She tried to fill that emptiness with sex and drugs and ended up a porn star. A pastors son (further irony) who was addicted to speed (even further irony though that was over ten years ago) showed compassion and love to her for the first time and she came out of that lifestyle after several more years of struggle. I'm way over paraphrasing here but the point was that she was in a much darker place than I was and she got out. I once again allowed myself to feel a little hope. I downloaded some software that emails my accountability partner and my wife anytime I visit a questionable website and I'm keeping this online recovery journal so I am hoping and praying that that small sliver of light will eventually pour all the way in and I can look back and say, "this weekend in 2007 was the last time I gave in to temptation". I have no idea who will read this if anyone but for those who do I hope that we can help each other. I need the help and I need the openess (addiction cannot exist or thrive in the light of honesty and vulnerability) with other people. Thanks for reading this.
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