I've been almost two weeks sober. I wish I felt better about it and I probably would if it weren't for all the other stressers in my life right now. I think its mostly that I don't want to get my hopes up again and be disappointed. I'm 32 years old now and I've let myself down so many times at this point its getting hard to find the inertia necessary to go after wellness...or anything for that matter. Sorry if this is bleak. I've been really depressed for a while now. I managed to gather up enough money a few months ago to have my head shrunk. The Dr. told me that all of the depression and paranoia (a whole other blog post) stemmed from my addiction. I have fabricated this fantasy world that no-one else could know even if I explained it and so consequently have lost a large part of my grasp on reality. In other words, my addiction is like a cancerous tumor that effects everything systemically. So, if I could remove the tumor I would begin to see other area's improve.
I watched a documentary a few weeks ago called Crazy Sexy Cancer that chronicled a woman's struggle with "incurable" cancer. She decided to bypass the traditional radiation/chemotherapy route and try to treat herself holistically. She went on a totally raw diet and began to do yoga everyday. Instead of taking her diagnosis lying down like I have until now (self diagnoses are dangerous by the way) she took on not only her cancer but her entire lifestyle. Incrediblly, the documentary concludes with her Doctor telling her that she was going to live and live very well. It might seem like a stretch but I believe that my doctor was on to something when she suggested the same line of attack. I'm embarrassed to admit that I haven't stuck to her regimine i.e. attending Sexaholics Anonymous and staying in therapy but she did plant a seed of hope albeit in a sun starved place. Who knows if this will be the "time" that I get better but I think if I take it on in totality I stand a much better chance. Please pray for me and thank you for reading this. I hope that you are encouraged.
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