Clarity - Entry 3 - September 22, 2007

I was speaking with my accountability partner about this blog and he said it would probably help people to know specifically what type of sexual addiction I am wrestling with. If nothing else it keeps the unfamiliar reader from thinking I'm diddling sheep or sleeping with the neighbors wife. I attended a group called Celebrate Recovery which came out of Rick Warren's (Purpose Driven Life) church and I was told that getting into specifics could accidentally arouse curiosity or cause another addict to struggle. Could be true so just to be safe I won't give any web addresses or adult model's names even though I really don't think people need my help to get aroused.
I've had people tell me that my addiction was of the mild variety and I shouldn't worry about it. I strongly disagree. It may not be as "bad" as others but the effects are the same as everyone's. I am not into hardcore, group, bestial, gay (guy on guy), S & M, etc. though I can see how people would end up there if they really gave themselves over to their addiction. My particular appetite is for one girl or maybe two but nothing distasteful. I think its because "real" women in "real" sexual scenarios don't "really" perform any of those acts and definitely not without awkwardness or embarrassment and definitely not willingly with me or any of the guys I know. It takes away from the fantasy that this is a "real" woman who "really" would have a "real" sexual relationship with me. Of course, as former adult film star Shelley Lubben stated, most of those women hate men and delight in the fact that they are manipulating us for money.
When I was in New York a couple of years ago I walked passed a "model" whose website I had frequented a lot and when she saw that I recognized her she did not react by shagging me silly right there in front of the Chrysler Building. She seemed really perturbed and she looked at me like I was a pervert. And that's the truth of the whole thing; I really am a pervert and if there was no such outlet as "porn" and I offered some woman in, lets say the supermarket, money in exchange for a peek under her blouse she would be horribly offended and look at me the same way. "Real" women don't want to be objectified and they would be shocked and embarrassed if they knew some guy was sitting at home jerking off while looking at her picture. I'm getting off on a tangent here but my point is that its all fantasy for me. I know real women wouldn't offer themselves up and when I was the kind of guy to pursue those quick and attachment-free relationships they were really hard to find.
Women have never thrown themselves at me (most women are heavy and you could get seriously bruise something if they did ; -) and so I felt crappy about myself. But women on the internet were always available and they always seemed eager to be with me. They never snubbed me or asked what I did for a living or chose some other guy over me or made me take them out to dinner several times just to get to first base. They never rejected me in any way. With a smile they freely gave themselves to me and hour after hour I would look at girl after girl (I figure on a really bad night I probably saw close to 400 women in as little as 4 hours) until I found the "one" who smiled just the right way or whose hair fell just the right way across her face or whatever and I would take care of business. I always felt like a sick freak immediately afterwards and would always pray for forgiveness and even sometimes in anger demand that God explain to me why He had not "healed" me yet. But, a few weeks, days, hours, or minutes later I would be right back at the same well drinking water that just left me increasingly more thirsty.
Another byproduct of taking the easy way out with porn is the huge chasm that begins to stretch further and further between you and your spouse. When my wife and I started dating she was "it" for me and no-one else on earth could satisfy me the way she did physically and emotionally. Unfortunately over time we began to realize how different we were and sparks of conflict grew where those differences would meet. You then add job stress, housing stress, bill stress, "where do you want to eat after church? Oh I don't care you decide," stress, and two kids stress intimacy, which requires tons of vulnerability, whithers down to near nothing. It doesn't help matters when every time your wife isn't "in the mood" or you're fighting or she's not around very much you turn to porn. In my case, and I know this isn't true of most guys, I decided to bring my wife in on my addiction thinking that it would help if she knew and held me accountable. My wife was shattered when I told her and somehow didn't find any comfort in the analogy, "my addiction to porn is no different than your addiction to cigarettes". She had a really hard time trusting me after that.
A few weeks ago I was binging again and I forgot to delete my web history afterwards. Actually I got a new computer and I wasn't sure how to (divine providence I think) so I just hoped that my wife wouldn't go looking. She had asked me on a couple of different occasions how I was doing with my problem as I had asked her to do and I lied and said, "Fine". I didn't realize that what she was doing was looking at my web activity, seeing the porn, and then giving me the chance to fess up. I didn't want to hurt her anymore and really I had given up on getting better and just wanted to be left to wallow in it and so I lied hoping she would drop it. If anyone is reading this and is thinking about letting their wives in on their addiction hear this: lying to my wife about my addiction hurt my wife in deeper and more profound ways than my telling her about it ever did.
So, that's where I am now. I'm earning my wife's trust back gradually. It killed me that I hurt her so badly when she hadn't given up on me and was just trying to help. It pumped new blood into that old wound and I felt more motivated then I had in ages to really try to stop. I can tell you that downloading the X3watch software, being completely honest with my wife and my accountability partner, and starting this online journal has really helped. I feel like I'm detoxing. The impurities are pouring out of me and I'll give you definitive evidence to support it. Today my wife and boys and I were looking at the dogs up for adoption at Petsmart and a large chested woman walked by. My first reaction was to look and begin the process of "uploading" the image to my database but just as quickly I turned away and made a point of looking at my wife. The most encouraging part was how easy it was compared to before. I know I have a long road to travel and its way too early to say I'm better but I feel better about myself and my marriage and I feel like I am taking positive steps towards a hollistic wellness. Thank you for reading this and I pray that we can help each other.

P.S. I am starting a men's group centered around the Every Man's Battle book next Sunday. Its going to be several guys from within the church who are boldly and humbly seeking help. Thank God for this and His timing. Its no coincidence that my wife busted me, Shelley Lubben spoke at our church, the x3software became available, and now this mens group is starting up. The darkness of addiction cannot live in the light of openess. God might be grieved by the sin of His sons but I think He rejoices even more when we love and serve each other through being real.